It Crept Up On Me.

So I may have lied. I kept telling myself I wasn’t starting to feel depressed but I can’t deny it any longer. It’s starting again. It crept up on me. It’s hard to describe. It started out in the little things. My insomnia made it easy for depression to get attached to me. When I couldn’t sleep being exhausted all the time made me just want to sleep. Then I got sleeping pills and stuff so then I told myself that I was simply just “catching up on sleep.” They make me sleep until like 2 then my whole morning is gone. Now I’ll sleep all day yet I’m still exhausted. I just lay in bed all day in my dark room. There is stuff that sounds nice and fun to do rather than just lay in bed all day but I find myself choosing to stay home. There’s many things I need to get done here and I have no desire to do any of them. I rarely listen to music anymore. I’m trying to start again but I like silence better. Yes, Cassy makes me happy but she also has a life and is constantly busy so I when I see her I feel happy but it’s like underneath happy is still stressed and depressed. Then when she’s not here I fall right back into the arms of depression. Yesterday I hung out with friends for a little and smiled and laughed as normal but it just felt fake half the time. I act happy still the whole time I felt it all it was still there, just tucked away is the best way to put it. My motivation to do things is extremely low. Like I am a very creative person and I find myself not wanting to be creative because it takes “too much effort.” I would say that the worst part about it is realizing I’m a bit depressed and yet I can’t really come out of it. Knowing it yet not being able to change it. I don’t really know where to start but I know that something has to change. This isn’t healthy. Yet I don’t know what to do. I’m still exhausted, stressed and unhappy with my life and I just don’t know what to do. Then I’m also afraid that if I even get an idea of what to do and I don’t do it because it’s too much effort. I just don’t know what to do. The sad thing is that after I post this I’m probably going to sleep.


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