I may not have it all figured out now but at least I’m working on it!
In school we are taught various subjects like math, history, science and all that good stuff. Yet, they don’t teach you how to find yourself. Then out of no where…BOOM! They slam you with really tough questions that you’re expected to know all the answers to.
“So what do you want to do when you’re older?”
“What major are you going to choose?”
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“Where do you want to live one day?”
Were asked these questions that many of us don’t really know the answers to. Then after we understand that we don’t know we just say that we’re, “figuring it out still.” Then we just go on with our busy lives and continue on in a direction we think we like and see where it takes us.
I believe we should be doing more than just that. Don’t worry I’m not saying to do anything super crazy, it’s actually really simple.
We should actively be trying to find ourselves. The person you are today is completely different than who you were when you were at seven, or thirteen. Just like how you are going to be a different person in five years than who you are now. We are always changing so I think we need to constantly learn who we are.
1. TRY NEW THINGS
I know it sounds very cliche but it’s true. Go and search for new experiences. This will make you not completely step out of your comfort zone but push your comfort zone instead. Trying new things can be scary but after you’ve done it once you can see if you like it and if so it will be easier to do it again. Broaden your horizon.
2. DON’T BE AFRAID OF YOUR LIKES CHANGING
Just because you we’re totally into that mint sea blue bed spread doesn’t mean you have to love it forever. Your style and things you like will change constantly and that’s okay! Switch it up all you want!
3. SPEND TIME ALONE
This is very important. Everyone needs personal space. Just like how you hang out with your best friend and you know them. You need to hang out with yourself so you can know yourself. Being alone is great, no one to entertain and you can do whatever you want free of all judgement.
4. BREAK YOUR PATTERNS
It’s the little things. Order a different drink at Starbucks than your normal go to. Rearrange your room. Go a different way on your jog. Doing the same things over and over can get boring. So for your happiness and sanity, try doing something a little different every day!
5. WORK ON ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE
Make sure you’re growing mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Mentally: Read a book. Watch a documentary. Go to a museum. Just learn new things!
Physically: Go on a hike. Go to the gym. Do yoga. Go swimming. Get moving!
Spiritually: Go to church. Learn about religions. Meditate. Something for the soul!
Emotionally: Do what makes you happy. Minimize the stress in your life. Keep the right company around. Healthy happy relationships.
So it’s 7:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept a lot because I woke up at two and again around four. Cassy left around five and I haven’t slept since. Anyways, I was just up pondering things like I usually do when I can’t sleep and I was thinking about something that has been on my mind a lot recently, my mental health. I’ve been talking about bettering myself for so long but I have never done anything to work on my mental health. Naturally, I would like to change that.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS FOLKS!….ANOTHER LIFESTYLE CHANGE FOR SHANELLE!
I honestly feel like a lifestyle change isn’t final until you’ve rearranged. Plus, just the red in my room is driving me crazy! So I’m gunna switch it up and maybe go more boho. As soon as I’m done with this post I’m gunna start by moving things around again and try to make room for a little meditation area in my room. You don’t have to start all crazy and go full Buda but y’all know that I tend to do things to the extreme so we will see. I am gunna start with a few minutes a day and work my way up. Having time to be alone will be good for me. Also I want it to be a place where I can read because I think reading is great for the mind. It makes you learn and think things you never would have thought of or takes you places!
Also I’ve really been wanting to start working out and taking yoga classes. Shae is my little roll dog and she’s down for whatever so I know she will go with me. That way we can attempt to do that shit together! I just need some yoga outfits and room decor and oh no! I’m actually gunna stop there before I spend my check before I get it!
Well hello long time no talk! As you can tell I haven’t blogged in over a month. I know..I know. You don’t got to tell me but I’m back at the moment. I’ve been very productive so don’t worry I’ve been doing good. Let me catch you up a little in my life. I got a new phone and my medical card and I know that can be a shock but yes I did. I am doing really good at work right now. My numbers still need improving but I’m doing great! I guess I’m pretty good at sales! Cassy and I are still not together but I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t with her. We see each other like everyday and we act like were together pretty much we just aren’t. Cassy and I bought our tickets for Cali Roots and both are dads are going and bringing their girlfriends. Yeah were wondering how this is gunna workout too. Well I guess that’s it! Here’s a couple photos from this month.
I know that recently the only thing I have blogged about is Cassy and our relationship with each other. That’s because blogging is almost therapeutic for me. So I wanted to do a quick update on my job. I am one out of the four newer girls at Davids Bridal. Keelee is the girl that I was hired with. She had worked at a David’s Bridal previously so she knows what she is doing. Then there’s Vanessa who got hired after us and I know her because we went to school together in junior high. Then there is now this newer girl, I wanna say her name is Tiffany or somewhat but I really don’t know or care. All I know is that she had been boasting on social media about how she’s gunna get paid so much money through commission working here. Little does she know that the job just isn’t gunna throw a bunch of money at you. Your place has to be earned.
As of right now I am the only one from the newer girls to get moved from being a dress specialist to a stylist. Basically that means I work with brides now. I have worked with a few but so far I have only sold one. I am still very new at it and I am still trying to learn the ropes. I will get better though!
I have added my experience of working at David’s on my resume but I still have a few things to do on it. Yet I haven’t actually applied anywhere yet because I’m hoping that I can stay at David’s Bridal for a while. I want to gain sales skills and experience for a while. I’m just hoping they’re going to keep me. So far out of all the new girls I guess you could say that I have gotten the farthest and I hope that helps in the long run.
I hate how I can’t make my mind up on what to do. Today I saw Cassy and we spent the day together and wow it was great but it was horrible. All I want to do is be with her. I’m honestly debating if having a part of her is better than not having her at all. She doesn’t even want to be a thing anymore. So I don’t know what to do but I feel like I need her. Even if it’s just a part of her. I love her.
as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.