How the fuck do you ask for help when you have suicidal thoughts? They’ll think I’m crazy and just tell me not to and that I’m loved and “think about how that would make _____ feel.” Like I haven’t thought about any of that. I think about this often, keeping my thoughts secret from people because they don’t understand. I can’t find the right words to make you feel the weight of my depression. I don’t know how to convey in words how exhausted and done I am. Yet I know I can’t or shouldn’t so I don’t. But that doesn’t make the thoughts go away, it doesn’t stop the ideas. I still feel like I’m crazy and I probably am.
What do you do when the light inside you dies and all you want to do is shine and prosper. Yet I have a cursed Midas touch, I feel that everything I touch doesn’t feel me. I feel so disconnected. Would we connect?
I may not have it all figured out now but at least I’m working on it!
In school we are taught various subjects like math, history, science and all that good stuff. Yet, they don’t teach you how to find yourself. Then out of no where…BOOM! They slam you with really tough questions that you’re expected to know all the answers to.
“So what do you want to do when you’re older?”
“What major are you going to choose?”
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“Where do you want to live one day?”
Were asked these questions that many of us don’t really know the answers to. Then after we understand that we don’t know we just say that we’re, “figuring it out still.” Then we just go on with our busy lives and continue on in a direction we think we like and see where it takes us.
I believe we should be doing more than just that. Don’t worry I’m not saying to do anything super crazy, it’s actually really simple.
We should actively be trying to find ourselves. The person you are today is completely different than who you were when you were at seven, or thirteen. Just like how you are going to be a different person in five years than who you are now. We are always changing so I think we need to constantly learn who we are.
1. TRY NEW THINGS
I know it sounds very cliche but it’s true. Go and search for new experiences. This will make you not completely step out of your comfort zone but push your comfort zone instead. Trying new things can be scary but after you’ve done it once you can see if you like it and if so it will be easier to do it again. Broaden your horizon.
2. DON’T BE AFRAID OF YOUR LIKES CHANGING
Just because you we’re totally into that mint sea blue bed spread doesn’t mean you have to love it forever. Your style and things you like will change constantly and that’s okay! Switch it up all you want!
3. SPEND TIME ALONE
This is very important. Everyone needs personal space. Just like how you hang out with your best friend and you know them. You need to hang out with yourself so you can know yourself. Being alone is great, no one to entertain and you can do whatever you want free of all judgement.
4. BREAK YOUR PATTERNS
It’s the little things. Order a different drink at Starbucks than your normal go to. Rearrange your room. Go a different way on your jog. Doing the same things over and over can get boring. So for your happiness and sanity, try doing something a little different every day!
5. WORK ON ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE
Make sure you’re growing mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Mentally: Read a book. Watch a documentary. Go to a museum. Just learn new things!
Physically: Go on a hike. Go to the gym. Do yoga. Go swimming. Get moving!
Spiritually: Go to church. Learn about religions. Meditate. Something for the soul!
Emotionally: Do what makes you happy. Minimize the stress in your life. Keep the right company around. Healthy happy relationships.
So it’s 7:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept a lot because I woke up at two and again around four. Cassy left around five and I haven’t slept since. Anyways, I was just up pondering things like I usually do when I can’t sleep and I was thinking about something that has been on my mind a lot recently, my mental health. I’ve been talking about bettering myself for so long but I have never done anything to work on my mental health. Naturally, I would like to change that.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS FOLKS!….ANOTHER LIFESTYLE CHANGE FOR SHANELLE!
I honestly feel like a lifestyle change isn’t final until you’ve rearranged. Plus, just the red in my room is driving me crazy! So I’m gunna switch it up and maybe go more boho. As soon as I’m done with this post I’m gunna start by moving things around again and try to make room for a little meditation area in my room. You don’t have to start all crazy and go full Buda but y’all know that I tend to do things to the extreme so we will see. I am gunna start with a few minutes a day and work my way up. Having time to be alone will be good for me. Also I want it to be a place where I can read because I think reading is great for the mind. It makes you learn and think things you never would have thought of or takes you places!
Also I’ve really been wanting to start working out and taking yoga classes. Shae is my little roll dog and she’s down for whatever so I know she will go with me. That way we can attempt to do that shit together! I just need some yoga outfits and room decor and oh no! I’m actually gunna stop there before I spend my check before I get it!
Well hello long time no talk! As you can tell I haven’t blogged in over a month. I know..I know. You don’t got to tell me but I’m back at the moment. I’ve been very productive so don’t worry I’ve been doing good. Let me catch you up a little in my life. I got a new phone and my medical card and I know that can be a shock but yes I did. I am doing really good at work right now. My numbers still need improving but I’m doing great! I guess I’m pretty good at sales! Cassy and I are still not together but I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t with her. We see each other like everyday and we act like were together pretty much we just aren’t. Cassy and I bought our tickets for Cali Roots and both are dads are going and bringing their girlfriends. Yeah were wondering how this is gunna workout too. Well I guess that’s it! Here’s a couple photos from this month.
I know that recently the only thing I have blogged about is Cassy and our relationship with each other. That’s because blogging is almost therapeutic for me. So I wanted to do a quick update on my job. I am one out of the four newer girls at Davids Bridal. Keelee is the girl that I was hired with. She had worked at a David’s Bridal previously so she knows what she is doing. Then there’s Vanessa who got hired after us and I know her because we went to school together in junior high. Then there is now this newer girl, I wanna say her name is Tiffany or somewhat but I really don’t know or care. All I know is that she had been boasting on social media about how she’s gunna get paid so much money through commission working here. Little does she know that the job just isn’t gunna throw a bunch of money at you. Your place has to be earned.
As of right now I am the only one from the newer girls to get moved from being a dress specialist to a stylist. Basically that means I work with brides now. I have worked with a few but so far I have only sold one. I am still very new at it and I am still trying to learn the ropes. I will get better though!
I have added my experience of working at David’s on my resume but I still have a few things to do on it. Yet I haven’t actually applied anywhere yet because I’m hoping that I can stay at David’s Bridal for a while. I want to gain sales skills and experience for a while. I’m just hoping they’re going to keep me. So far out of all the new girls I guess you could say that I have gotten the farthest and I hope that helps in the long run.