as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.
Right now my life is weird.
Cassy and I aren’t together. Yet it feels like were still together. We have come to an agreement that we’re not together, have no title yet were gunna just do and act however we please. All the while Cassy is going to work on herself. I’m so proud of her for putting getting her shit together as a priority cause I’m doing the same. Hopefully she matures and grows a lot in many different ways. If were ever going to be together again I need her to be where I’m at and right now she’s far from it. I say all that but were practically together right now!
Ugh I hate love. I don’t mean that but ugh! Love makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. I’m stupid in love. But Cass isn’t. She’s not in love with me. She broke up with me. BUT she gave me a promise ring. YET told me that she doesn’t expect me to wait for her. Who breaks up with someone then gives them a promise ring. I’m torn. She’s sending me mixed signals in every direction.
Last night Shae and I had a good talk about our relationships. I was telling her that she’s my best friend and that I will always believe that she deserves the best and nothing less. Then I told her that even though I love him as a person, I believe that she can do better than Spike. Shae then went and told me the same and that was a big eye opener.
Basically I don’t know what to do. I love her. I just wish loving her didn’t make me so stupid.
I have some bad news and some good news…
I’ll start with the bad news. Cassy broke up with me. Don’t worry, we’re still on good terms. She broke up with me because we seem to be on different pages in life. My priorities are much different than hers. I just care to work on myself, getting myself going in the right direction for my career and (at the time) my relationship. While Cassy’s priorities are much different. She’s at the point in her life where she just wants to have fun with her friends and make memories. I on the other hand, have had my time to do so and now I just want to be more of an adult. I’m not angry with her at all, I love her. Obviously I’d prefer being with her but I love her enough to let her go and have the liberty to go enjoy her youth the way she wants to. It’s strange being broken up with because you’re a little too mature for someone but it’s alright. The only thing I truly am worried about is our friendship. Cassy was my best friend first and I know that this break up is changing a lot of things. I just hope our friendship isn’t one of them. Yet I know that things aren’t going to be the way they were before so I’m anxious to see how it all works out.
Since I got broken up with I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I don’t even think I’m doing it to keep my mind off her because when I think of her I’m not angry or emotional. Maybe it just hasn’t fully hit me yet but I think I just want to be productive. I know that if I stay in bed, eat my feelings and cry that it’s not going to truly help me. That just puts a pause on my life and I don’t have time to waste. I have so much to do and work on! I haven’t even told my friends because I know they’re going to feel sorry for me and I don’t need pity, I’m okay. Anyways, the day Cassy broke up with me I went and got my own bank account, set up my direct deposit for work, ordered something online and I finally decided to pay for Spotify. Today, I killed it at work! Then came home(took a quick nap) cleaned my room and dyed my hair because it was a brown with a red tint. I dyed it that color the day Cassy had a party at her house to surprise her because I thought she’d like it and now that we’re over I dyed it black, for me this time! Now It’s time to fall in love with myself. It’s time to work on me. It’s time to do what’s best for me and me alone! I’m going to continue to work on myself. Plus now the glow up I was planning on working on can now be my post break up glow up!
Regardless of everything, I miss her. I love her so much. I’m still so in love with her. The problem is that, yes she still loves me but she’s just not in love with me anymore. I pray she finds someone so much better than me. She’s wonderful and I hope she never feels this way. I wish nothing but the best for her. I’m so thankful for all our great memories and the fact that I was blessed enough to call her mine for a while. But mostly I’m thankful that she taught me what love truly was. I just sadly wasn’t her true love…
I know I haven’t blogged in a while but I guess I should tell you about my birthday.
My mom’s work had a holiday party at the Madonna Inn and she wanted to bring me as her plus one. Cassy came over while I was getting ready and we ended up getting into a bad argument. She left and I was very unsure about our status. I tried to put away my feelings about Cass and I so my mom and I could have a good time. It took me forever to get ready and I looked really nice. My mom’s friends all met up at our house and started pre gaming. Eventually the limo arrived and we all got in. Everyone continued drinking including me. I was drinking my feelings and eventually felt a little buzzed. Then out of no where the limo got pulled over. I didn’t even know that limos got pulled over but after we got stalled by the cop for half an hour he let us go. Once we got there I got my cute little name tag, sat down and got some food in my system cause I hadn’t eaten all day. Eventually the DJ started playing and my mom kelts drinking and dancing. My mom, along with all her friends were so drunk. My mom got a little crazy. At around 9:30 Cassy texted me that she was just going to work on herself and basically broke up with me. I cried for a while but I tired to have a good time for my mom’s sake. I even danced with her when all the Spanish songs came on. The bright side is that my mom’s friends were buying me drinks. Once the party was over we were waiting outside for the limo and when it arrived we realized that there was puke in it and it wasn’t from any of us. I was the lucky one that cleaned it all. The finally once we got home I went to the bathroom and when I came out all her friends were screaming happy birthday to me because it was finally midnight.
My Birthday, December 10th
I asked Kayla to take me to my gay family’s house because once Cassy broke up with me I called Destinee and she said to come over after. Once I got there I walked up stairs and they all screamed Happy Birthday for me then realized I was crying. I told them and like any good friends would do they handed me drinks. They were so nice and made me feel better. I was supposed to spend the night there but I didn’t feel up to it anymore. So Manna was nice enough to take me home. I went to sleep, woke up and cried some more. Then I got a phone call from Cassy. I answered, only to hear her crying. She then asked to come over and I inquired why but she then explained that it had nothing to do with us. Her grandpa was in the hospital and her family didn’t think he was going to make it. She explained that she didn’t want to be alone and that I was the only person she wanted to be around so I put aside our problems and told her to come over. Once she got to my house I held her and we both cried. I hate seeing her sad, it kills me. We eventually started talking and she was saying that she wanted me back and I wasn’t sure what to do. Then Kayla and Chase came over with Zoe’s and Olive Garden so Cass and I went to go eat with everyone. My family and I ate together and then got to opening gifts. Then Cassy and I decided to go pick up her mom in Ventura so she could see her dad. The trip took longer than expected and when I got back I had to hurry to get ready because my gay family was throwing me a party. Once I was ready Julia, Cassy and I made it over to their house and boy were they surprised to see me with Cassy! Then Shae and Spike came, I am so glad I got to see them! Being over there was so much fun, I was having a great time! Then once it died down we went over to Aly’s cause they were having something at her house. Being with all my friends and loved ones on my birthday was great. My birthday started out super shitty but my birthnight was the best one yet. So yeah, I’m 19 now.