For you to truly understand I need to start at the beguining. I went to sleep at 4 in the morning because I miss summer and the heat so badly, I felt the need to stay up all night pinning pictures of girl in bikinis doing summer shit. So I woke up tired as hell but I had to get ready for work so I toughed it out, had a cup of coffee and got to it.
Then I happened to have an annoying day at work…and I’m still annoyed at it and don’t feel like ranting about it because that requires too much effort.
Anyways, I then went home and realized that my room was a mess and I couldn’t look at it like that any longer so I cleaned it until I got a text from Cassy saying she was outside and wanted to go on another drive. I hopped in and as soon as I got the chance to vent about work to Cass I took it. She was quiet for a while and I just enjoyed being quiet with her listening to music. It reminded me of how things used to be. I miss how we’d always be going on adventures. I want to start using my polariod more. I wish I had used it this past summer because this last summer with Cassy was the best time of my life. I’ll never forget that summer. Wow! you see what I mean? I really miss summer. I talk about it all the time.
Anyways, she got me Applebee’s and we went by my house to smoke. I am not much of a smoker but Cassy is so I get high with her cause she enjoys being high together. I definitely don’t smoke as much as her just because I don’t like being high that much. Some moments I enjoy it but others I don’t so I really don’t know. It was really nice though because we were in Cassy’s truck and it started to slowly rain cause a storms is coming tonight and I’m excited.
Enough about that, when I’m high my thoughts are really cool, I feel like I become more creative when I’m high and I don’t enjoy having to socialize with others when I’m high. That’s why I enjoy being high and just being by myself. Free to just be in my head and do whatever I please! I’m a really weird person and I don’t like people knowing how weird cause it would be embarrassing. I’m probably being dramatic but that’s just how I feel.
On a separate note I got a few ideas for some paintings. I’m excited so see if I go through with any. Well that’s all I can say right now cause Cass is freezing and wants me to cuddle her so thats all but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you!
So Cassy and I are now on a break but don’t be mistaken we’re fine and on good terms.We both have different reasons as to why we are doing this. Cassy is finishing up her first semester in college and she’s extremely stressed out right now. I’ve been telling her that she needs to focus more on school because she’s very smart but the problem is that she just does an even better job at procrastinating. Literally this girl will do an assignment the morning before it’s due. With her finals coming up soon she feels a lot more pressure and stress than usual. She was explaining to me that she didn’t want to take a break but just that she wanted more space so she can apply herself more since finals are coming up. At this point I said that I think a break could be good for us. Cassy was very surprised I said this. I began explaining how I haven’t been very happy recently in all aspects of my life and so I had been putting my all into the relationship and I still wasn’t happy. I had been bending over backwards trying to make her happy hoping that it would make me happy but at the end of the day I still felt like unhappy. I told her that I feel like I need this break to focus on myself and see if I’m happier not being in a relationship. Also, someone from my past has popped back into my life and has been making me really revaluate my life and making me think what I really want. So I’ve been struggling with that and everything else on top of it. Cassy and I agreed that after her finals are over we would talk and see if she was happier without me and vise versa. Yet the strange thing is that our relationship is fine necessarily, the problem is with us as separate individuals. We cleared up all of the guide lines of our break then went on enjoying our day together in slo. It was filled with laughs and affection. Once we got to my house where she was dropping me off I start to cry a little just because I knew I was going to miss her so much. We agreed to at least say good morning and goodnight to each other but it’s hard not talking to her. What can I say she’s my best friend. I’m terrified of losing her because I don’t want to lose the friendship. After you’ve been so close with a person being without them feels strange. It’s like you have to teach yourself how to live without them. I’m just trying to put my life into perspective and see what I should do and what is best for me.