Please excuse my drunkness

as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted  anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.

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Heartbreaking

I used to think that when you got your heart broken that it was one initial big heartbreak.

That’s not the case.

My heart has been breaking for a while now. Slowly and all together at times. It’s just been agonizing. Being told over and over again that they don’t need or want you anymore. It kills. I feel like every time she tells me that my heart cracked a little. I could literally feel it. The pain, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach. Then she’d take me in her arms and love me again and it felt like all those little cracks were being mended. Like all my like broken cracks were coming together the closer she’d hold me. I guess that was just temporary. I’m afraid that soon my little heart won’t be able to hold it’s self together anymore. Eventually I’m going to fall apart and I believe it’s coming sooner than later. She keeps doing little things to remind me of the love she used to give me at one point and it hurts. Like opening an old wound.

I love her but I’m not enough. I feel as though I was even breaking my own heart so it’d fit better with hers. Trying to forget things I knew I shouldn’t so we could move on and be happy but I’m not enough. She’s looking for something different. I don’t think she even knows what it is. I’m tired of being broken over and over again. Yet I can’t let her go when I know I need to.

The Repetition of My Realization

Cassy has been using me.

Not in any malicious way. It wasn’t done on purpose to hurt me but it’s been happening. I need to remember that she broke up with me. She broke up with me to work on herself and I should let her do so. We can’t continue to act as though we’re still together. That’s not fair to me. I understand why we have been like this though. We do love each other very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been in each other’s lives nonstop for almost a year now. It’s hard to just cut someone off who’s been such a big part of your life for so long.
I feel like she is stringing me along because she’s afraid of losing me. I know that she loves me too much to much to fully let me go. But I love Cassy enough to let her go. Our love for each other is different right now. I feel like she is selfishly loving me and I am selflessly loving her. I need to love myself and have enough respect for myself to not let this continue any longer. I need to not let myself continue to give someone my all when they are not wiling to give the same in return. I need to stop forgiving her for things I know I shouldn’t and I need to stop using my love for her to justifying my undeserving forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I know I’ve done wrong by her as well. I know I’m hard to deal with but I know I don’t deserve this.
I understand that Cassy needs to work on herself. I understand that she feels that she needs to be single in order to do so. I understand that this is what she needs to do at this point in her life. But at this point in my life I’ve already done my growing as an individual. I’ve already done that maturing. I wanna get myself on track on where I wanna be in life…with the person I wanna be with in life. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to have my emotions played with like a toy.
I know that realizing this is a big step but I also know that I have no self control with her. I know that actions speak louder than words. Yet I also know that words are powerful and repetition helps you learn things quicker so maybe if I keep telling myself all of this it will stick in my brain. Then it will become mind over matter and I can get over her instead of under her time and time again. Now that is repetition.img_0734

Stupid Love

Right now my life is weird.
Cassy and I aren’t together. Yet it feels like were still together. We have come to an agreement that we’re not together, have no title yet were gunna just do and act however we please. All the while Cassy is going to work on herself. I’m so proud of her for putting getting her shit together as a priority cause I’m doing the same. Hopefully she matures and grows a lot in many different ways. If were ever going to be together again I need her to be where I’m at and right now she’s far from it. I say all that but were practically together right now!
Ugh I hate love. I don’t mean that but ugh! Love makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. I’m stupid in love. But Cass isn’t. She’s not in love with me. She broke up with me. BUT she gave me a promise ring. YET told me that she doesn’t expect me to wait for her. Who breaks up with someone then gives them a promise ring. I’m torn. She’s sending me mixed signals in every direction.
Last night Shae and I had a good talk about our relationships. I was telling her that she’s my best friend and that I will always believe that she deserves the best and nothing less. Then I told her that even though I love him as a person, I believe that she can do better than Spike. Shae then went and told me the same and that was a big eye opener.
Basically I don’t know what to do. I love her. I just wish loving her didn’t make me so stupid.

 

 

 

 

This Year’s Annual Without Fail Bad Birthday

I know I haven’t blogged in a while but I guess I should tell you about my birthday.

December 9th
My mom’s work had a holiday party at the Madonna Inn and she wanted to bring me as her plus one. Cassy came over while I was getting ready and we ended up getting into a bad argument. She left and I was very unsure about our status. I tried to put away my feelings about Cass and I so my mom and I could have a good time. It took me forever to get ready and I looked really nice. My mom’s friends all met up at our house and started pre gaming. Eventually the limo arrived and we all got in. Everyone continued drinking including me. I was drinking my feelings and eventually felt a little buzzed. Then out of no where the limo got pulled over. I didn’t even know that limos got pulled over but after we got stalled by the cop for  half an hour he let us go. Once we got there I got my cute little name tag, sat down and got some food in my system cause I hadn’t eaten all day. Eventually the DJ started playing and my mom kelts drinking and dancing. My mom, along with all her friends were so drunk. My mom got a little crazy. At around 9:30 Cassy texted me that she was just going to work on herself and basically broke up with me. I cried for a while but I tired to have a good time for my mom’s sake. I even danced with her when all the Spanish songs came on. The bright side is that my mom’s friends were buying me drinks. Once the party was over we were waiting outside for the limo and when it arrived we realized that there was puke in it and it wasn’t from any of us. I was the lucky one that cleaned it all. The finally once we got home I went to the bathroom and when I came out all her friends were screaming happy birthday to me because it was finally midnight.

My Birthday, December 10th
I asked Kayla to take me to my gay family’s house because once Cassy broke up with me I called Destinee and she said to come over after. Once I got there I walked up stairs and they all screamed Happy Birthday for me then realized I was crying. I told them and like any good friends would do they handed me drinks. They were so nice and made me feel better. I was supposed to spend the night there but I didn’t feel up to it anymore. So Manna was nice enough to take me home. I went to sleep, woke up and cried some more. Then I got a phone call from Cassy. I answered, only to hear her crying. She then asked to come over and I inquired why but she then explained that it had nothing to do with us. Her grandpa was in the hospital and her family didn’t think he was going to make it. She explained that she didn’t want to be alone and that I was the only person she wanted to be around so I put aside our problems and told her to come over. Once she got to my house I held her and we both cried. I hate seeing her sad, it kills me. We eventually started talking and she was saying that she wanted me back and I wasn’t sure what to do. Then Kayla and Chase came over with Zoe’s and Olive Garden so Cass and I went to go eat with everyone. My family and I ate together and then got to opening gifts. Then Cassy and I decided to go pick up her mom in Ventura so she could see her dad. The trip took longer than expected and when I got back I had to hurry to get ready because my gay family was throwing me a party. Once  I was ready Julia, Cassy and I made it over to their house and boy were they surprised to see me with Cassy! Then Shae and Spike came, I am so glad I got to see them! Being over there was so much fun, I was having a great time! Then once it died down we went over to Aly’s cause they were having something at her house. Being with all my friends and loved ones on my birthday was great. My birthday started out super shitty but my birthnight was the best one yet. So yeah, I’m 19 now.