as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.
Cassy has been using me.
Not in any malicious way. It wasn’t done on purpose to hurt me but it’s been happening. I need to remember that she broke up with me. She broke up with me to work on herself and I should let her do so. We can’t continue to act as though we’re still together. That’s not fair to me. I understand why we have been like this though. We do love each other very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been in each other’s lives nonstop for almost a year now. It’s hard to just cut someone off who’s been such a big part of your life for so long.
I feel like she is stringing me along because she’s afraid of losing me. I know that she loves me too much to much to fully let me go. But I love Cassy enough to let her go. Our love for each other is different right now. I feel like she is selfishly loving me and I am selflessly loving her. I need to love myself and have enough respect for myself to not let this continue any longer. I need to not let myself continue to give someone my all when they are not wiling to give the same in return. I need to stop forgiving her for things I know I shouldn’t and I need to stop using my love for her to justifying my undeserving forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I know I’ve done wrong by her as well. I know I’m hard to deal with but I know I don’t deserve this.
I understand that Cassy needs to work on herself. I understand that she feels that she needs to be single in order to do so. I understand that this is what she needs to do at this point in her life. But at this point in my life I’ve already done my growing as an individual. I’ve already done that maturing. I wanna get myself on track on where I wanna be in life…with the person I wanna be with in life. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to have my emotions played with like a toy.
I know that realizing this is a big step but I also know that I have no self control with her. I know that actions speak louder than words. Yet I also know that words are powerful and repetition helps you learn things quicker so maybe if I keep telling myself all of this it will stick in my brain. Then it will become mind over matter and I can get over her instead of under her time and time again. Now that is repetition.
I know I haven’t blogged in a while but I guess I should tell you about my birthday.
My mom’s work had a holiday party at the Madonna Inn and she wanted to bring me as her plus one. Cassy came over while I was getting ready and we ended up getting into a bad argument. She left and I was very unsure about our status. I tried to put away my feelings about Cass and I so my mom and I could have a good time. It took me forever to get ready and I looked really nice. My mom’s friends all met up at our house and started pre gaming. Eventually the limo arrived and we all got in. Everyone continued drinking including me. I was drinking my feelings and eventually felt a little buzzed. Then out of no where the limo got pulled over. I didn’t even know that limos got pulled over but after we got stalled by the cop for half an hour he let us go. Once we got there I got my cute little name tag, sat down and got some food in my system cause I hadn’t eaten all day. Eventually the DJ started playing and my mom kelts drinking and dancing. My mom, along with all her friends were so drunk. My mom got a little crazy. At around 9:30 Cassy texted me that she was just going to work on herself and basically broke up with me. I cried for a while but I tired to have a good time for my mom’s sake. I even danced with her when all the Spanish songs came on. The bright side is that my mom’s friends were buying me drinks. Once the party was over we were waiting outside for the limo and when it arrived we realized that there was puke in it and it wasn’t from any of us. I was the lucky one that cleaned it all. The finally once we got home I went to the bathroom and when I came out all her friends were screaming happy birthday to me because it was finally midnight.
My Birthday, December 10th
I asked Kayla to take me to my gay family’s house because once Cassy broke up with me I called Destinee and she said to come over after. Once I got there I walked up stairs and they all screamed Happy Birthday for me then realized I was crying. I told them and like any good friends would do they handed me drinks. They were so nice and made me feel better. I was supposed to spend the night there but I didn’t feel up to it anymore. So Manna was nice enough to take me home. I went to sleep, woke up and cried some more. Then I got a phone call from Cassy. I answered, only to hear her crying. She then asked to come over and I inquired why but she then explained that it had nothing to do with us. Her grandpa was in the hospital and her family didn’t think he was going to make it. She explained that she didn’t want to be alone and that I was the only person she wanted to be around so I put aside our problems and told her to come over. Once she got to my house I held her and we both cried. I hate seeing her sad, it kills me. We eventually started talking and she was saying that she wanted me back and I wasn’t sure what to do. Then Kayla and Chase came over with Zoe’s and Olive Garden so Cass and I went to go eat with everyone. My family and I ate together and then got to opening gifts. Then Cassy and I decided to go pick up her mom in Ventura so she could see her dad. The trip took longer than expected and when I got back I had to hurry to get ready because my gay family was throwing me a party. Once I was ready Julia, Cassy and I made it over to their house and boy were they surprised to see me with Cassy! Then Shae and Spike came, I am so glad I got to see them! Being over there was so much fun, I was having a great time! Then once it died down we went over to Aly’s cause they were having something at her house. Being with all my friends and loved ones on my birthday was great. My birthday started out super shitty but my birthnight was the best one yet. So yeah, I’m 19 now.
So Cassy and I are now on a break but don’t be mistaken we’re fine and on good terms.We both have different reasons as to why we are doing this. Cassy is finishing up her first semester in college and she’s extremely stressed out right now. I’ve been telling her that she needs to focus more on school because she’s very smart but the problem is that she just does an even better job at procrastinating. Literally this girl will do an assignment the morning before it’s due. With her finals coming up soon she feels a lot more pressure and stress than usual. She was explaining to me that she didn’t want to take a break but just that she wanted more space so she can apply herself more since finals are coming up. At this point I said that I think a break could be good for us. Cassy was very surprised I said this. I began explaining how I haven’t been very happy recently in all aspects of my life and so I had been putting my all into the relationship and I still wasn’t happy. I had been bending over backwards trying to make her happy hoping that it would make me happy but at the end of the day I still felt like unhappy. I told her that I feel like I need this break to focus on myself and see if I’m happier not being in a relationship. Also, someone from my past has popped back into my life and has been making me really revaluate my life and making me think what I really want. So I’ve been struggling with that and everything else on top of it. Cassy and I agreed that after her finals are over we would talk and see if she was happier without me and vise versa. Yet the strange thing is that our relationship is fine necessarily, the problem is with us as separate individuals. We cleared up all of the guide lines of our break then went on enjoying our day together in slo. It was filled with laughs and affection. Once we got to my house where she was dropping me off I start to cry a little just because I knew I was going to miss her so much. We agreed to at least say good morning and goodnight to each other but it’s hard not talking to her. What can I say she’s my best friend. I’m terrified of losing her because I don’t want to lose the friendship. After you’ve been so close with a person being without them feels strange. It’s like you have to teach yourself how to live without them. I’m just trying to put my life into perspective and see what I should do and what is best for me.
Lately I don’t feel like doing much. I pretty much just lay around and watch Netflix all day. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed at the moment. I just don’t feel like doing anything. There is one exception though. I just want to be laying in bed with Cassy. Literally when she holds me everything feels completely fine. Nothing makes me happier than being with her. All I’m saying is that I could really go for us holding each other and falling asleep. Yet she’s busy because she actually has a life filled with work, school and friends. So I’ll just continue watching geeky shows on Netflix.