as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.
Lately I don’t feel like doing much. I pretty much just lay around and watch Netflix all day. I wouldn’t say that I’m depressed at the moment. I just don’t feel like doing anything. There is one exception though. I just want to be laying in bed with Cassy. Literally when she holds me everything feels completely fine. Nothing makes me happier than being with her. All I’m saying is that I could really go for us holding each other and falling asleep. Yet she’s busy because she actually has a life filled with work, school and friends. So I’ll just continue watching geeky shows on Netflix.
I remember sitting in class in elementary school as I watched Barack Obama swear into office. My teacher kept stressing us on how important the day was and that it would be a day we will never forget. Little did I know she was right. Today is the day where America gets to vote on who the 45th President will be. For 8 years of my life I’ve watched Obama be President. Somethings that he did I strongly agreed with and other things confused me. One thing I can truly say is that I always had the upmost faith in him. I trusted him to make the right decision, to make the free world a better place. From being that 10 year old girl with wide eyes watching him being him become president on TV, to today when I keeps watch on the status of the 2016 election with fear in my eyes. I wish we could bend the rules and have him serve a third term but I’m afraid that is something that can’t be done.
Today, Hilary Clinton is running for the democrats and Donald Trump is running for the republicans. Never in my life did I think it would come down to this. This decision is hard because there is no right answer. This is a catch 22 election. Some people say it’s like choosing between aids and cancer. The only good thing I can find to say is that lets hope that in four years someone else will win. The United States is in need of prayer. Now more than ever. I am very fearful but I know that God has a plan for everything.
UPDATE: Donald Trump won.
I’m scared. As a part of the LGBTQ+ I am terrified.