5 Tips To Help Find Yourself as a Teenager

In school we are taught various subjects like math, history, science and all that good stuff. Yet, they don’t teach you how to find yourself. Then out of no where…BOOM! They slam you with really tough questions that you’re expected to know all the answers to.
“So what do you want to do when you’re older?”
“What major are you going to choose?”
“Where do you see yourself in 10 years?”
“Where do you want to live one day?”
Were asked these questions that many of us don’t really know the answers to. Then after we understand that we don’t know we just say that we’re, “figuring it out still.” Then we just go on with our busy lives and continue on in a direction we think we like and see where it takes us.
I believe we should be doing more than just that. Don’t worry I’m not saying to do anything super crazy, it’s actually really simple. 

We should actively be trying to find  ourselves. The person you are today is completely different than who you were when you were at seven, or thirteen. Just like how you are going to be a different person in five years than who you are now. We are always changing so I think we need to constantly learn who we are.

1. TRY NEW THINGS
I know it sounds very cliche but it’s true. Go and search for new experiences. This will make you not completely step out of your comfort zone but push your comfort zone instead. Trying new things can be scary but after you’ve done it once you can see if you like it and if so it will be easier to do it again. Broaden your horizon.

2. DON’T BE AFRAID OF YOUR LIKES CHANGING
Just because you we’re totally into that mint sea blue bed spread doesn’t mean you have to love it forever. Your style and things you like will change constantly and that’s okay! Switch it up all you want!

3. SPEND TIME ALONE
This is very important. Everyone needs personal space. Just like how you hang out with your best friend and you know them. You need to hang out with yourself so you can know yourself. Being alone is great, no one to entertain and you can do whatever you want free of all judgement.

4. BREAK YOUR PATTERNS
It’s the little things. Order a different drink at Starbucks than your normal go to. Rearrange your room. Go a different way on your jog. Doing the same things over and over can get boring. So for your happiness and sanity, try doing something a little different every day!

5. WORK ON ALL ASPECTS OF YOUR LIFE
Make sure you’re growing mentally, physically, spiritually, and emotionally.
Mentally: Read a book. Watch a documentary. Go to a museum. Just learn new things!
Physically: Go on a hike. Go to the gym. Do yoga. Go swimming. Get moving!
Spiritually: Go to church. Learn about religions. Meditate. Something for the soul!
Emotionally: Do what makes you happy. Minimize the stress in your life. Keep the right company around.  Healthy happy relationships.

 

Que Lifestyle Change

So it’s 7:30 in the morning and I haven’t slept a lot because I woke up at two and again around four. Cassy left around five and I haven’t slept since. Anyways, I was just up pondering things like I usually do when I can’t sleep and I was thinking about something that has been on my mind a lot recently, my mental health. I’ve been talking about bettering myself for so long but I have never done anything to work on my mental health. Naturally, I would like to change that.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS FOLKS!….ANOTHER LIFESTYLE CHANGE FOR SHANELLE!

I honestly feel like a lifestyle change isn’t final until you’ve rearranged. Plus, just the red in my room is driving me crazy! So I’m gunna switch it up and maybe go more boho. As soon as I’m done with this post I’m gunna start by moving things around again and try to make room for a little meditation area in my room. You don’t have to start all crazy and go full Buda but y’all know that I tend to do things to the extreme so we will see. I am gunna start with a few minutes a day and work my way up. Having time to be alone will be good for me. Also I want it to be a place where I can read because I think reading is great for the mind.  It makes you learn and think things you never would have thought of or takes you places!

Also I’ve really been wanting to start working out and taking yoga classes. Shae is my little roll dog and she’s down for whatever so I know she will go with me. That way we can attempt to do that shit together! I just need some yoga outfits and room decor and oh no! I’m actually gunna stop there before I spend my check before I get it!

Please excuse my drunkness

as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted  anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.

Heartbreaking

I used to think that when you got your heart broken that it was one initial big heartbreak.

That’s not the case.

My heart has been breaking for a while now. Slowly and all together at times. It’s just been agonizing. Being told over and over again that they don’t need or want you anymore. It kills. I feel like every time she tells me that my heart cracked a little. I could literally feel it. The pain, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach. Then she’d take me in her arms and love me again and it felt like all those little cracks were being mended. Like all my like broken cracks were coming together the closer she’d hold me. I guess that was just temporary. I’m afraid that soon my little heart won’t be able to hold it’s self together anymore. Eventually I’m going to fall apart and I believe it’s coming sooner than later. She keeps doing little things to remind me of the love she used to give me at one point and it hurts. Like opening an old wound.

I love her but I’m not enough. I feel as though I was even breaking my own heart so it’d fit better with hers. Trying to forget things I knew I shouldn’t so we could move on and be happy but I’m not enough. She’s looking for something different. I don’t think she even knows what it is. I’m tired of being broken over and over again. Yet I can’t let her go when I know I need to.

The Repetition of My Realization

Cassy has been using me.

Not in any malicious way. It wasn’t done on purpose to hurt me but it’s been happening. I need to remember that she broke up with me. She broke up with me to work on herself and I should let her do so. We can’t continue to act as though we’re still together. That’s not fair to me. I understand why we have been like this though. We do love each other very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been in each other’s lives nonstop for almost a year now. It’s hard to just cut someone off who’s been such a big part of your life for so long.
I feel like she is stringing me along because she’s afraid of losing me. I know that she loves me too much to much to fully let me go. But I love Cassy enough to let her go. Our love for each other is different right now. I feel like she is selfishly loving me and I am selflessly loving her. I need to love myself and have enough respect for myself to not let this continue any longer. I need to not let myself continue to give someone my all when they are not wiling to give the same in return. I need to stop forgiving her for things I know I shouldn’t and I need to stop using my love for her to justifying my undeserving forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I know I’ve done wrong by her as well. I know I’m hard to deal with but I know I don’t deserve this.
I understand that Cassy needs to work on herself. I understand that she feels that she needs to be single in order to do so. I understand that this is what she needs to do at this point in her life. But at this point in my life I’ve already done my growing as an individual. I’ve already done that maturing. I wanna get myself on track on where I wanna be in life…with the person I wanna be with in life. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to have my emotions played with like a toy.
I know that realizing this is a big step but I also know that I have no self control with her. I know that actions speak louder than words. Yet I also know that words are powerful and repetition helps you learn things quicker so maybe if I keep telling myself all of this it will stick in my brain. Then it will become mind over matter and I can get over her instead of under her time and time again. Now that is repetition.img_0734

Smoke Break: Here are some of my thoughts…

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For you to truly understand I need to start at the beguining. I went to sleep at 4 in the morning because I miss summer and the heat so badly, I felt the need to stay up all night pinning pictures of girl in bikinis doing summer shit.  So I woke up tired as hell but I had to get ready for work so I toughed it out, had a cup of coffee and got to it.
Then I happened to have an annoying day at work…and I’m still annoyed at it and don’t feel like ranting about it because that requires too much effort.
Anyways, I then went home and realized that my room was a mess and I couldn’t look at it like that any longer so I cleaned it until I got a text from Cassy saying she was outside and wanted to go on another drive. I hopped in and as soon as I got the chance to vent about work to Cass I took it. She was quiet for a while and I just enjoyed being quiet with her listening to music. It reminded me of how things used to be. I miss how we’d always be going on adventures. I want to start using my polariod more. I wish I had used it this past summer because this last summer with Cassy was the best time of my life. I’ll never forget that summer. Wow! you see what I mean? I really miss summer. I talk about it all the time.
Anyways, she got me Applebee’s and we went by my house to smoke. I am not much of a smoker but Cassy is so I get high with her cause she enjoys being high together. I definitely don’t smoke as much as her just because I don’t like being high that much. Some moments I enjoy it but others I don’t so I really don’t know. It was really nice though because we were in Cassy’s truck and it started to slowly rain cause a storms is coming tonight and I’m excited.
Enough about that, when I’m high my thoughts  are really cool, I feel like I become more creative when I’m high and I don’t enjoy having to socialize with others when I’m high. That’s why I enjoy being high and just being by myself. Free to just be in my head and do whatever I please! I’m a really weird person and I don’t like people knowing how weird cause it would be embarrassing. I’m probably being dramatic but that’s just how I feel.
On a separate note I got a few ideas for some paintings. I’m excited so see if I go through with any. Well that’s all I can say right now cause Cass is freezing and wants me to cuddle her so thats all but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you!