Note To Self:

You suck.

It hasn’t even been a full day and you already ended up under her.

The Repetition of My Realization

Cassy has been using me.

Not in any malicious way. It wasn’t done on purpose to hurt me but it’s been happening. I need to remember that she broke up with me. She broke up with me to work on herself and I should let her do so. We can’t continue to act as though we’re still together. That’s not fair to me. I understand why we have been like this though. We do love each other very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been in each other’s lives nonstop for almost a year now. It’s hard to just cut someone off who’s been such a big part of your life for so long.
I feel like she is stringing me along because she’s afraid of losing me. I know that she loves me too much to much to fully let me go. But I love Cassy enough to let her go. Our love for each other is different right now. I feel like she is selfishly loving me and I am selflessly loving her. I need to love myself and have enough respect for myself to not let this continue any longer. I need to not let myself continue to give someone my all when they are not wiling to give the same in return. I need to stop forgiving her for things I know I shouldn’t and I need to stop using my love for her to justifying my undeserving forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I know I’ve done wrong by her as well. I know I’m hard to deal with but I know I don’t deserve this.
I understand that Cassy needs to work on herself. I understand that she feels that she needs to be single in order to do so. I understand that this is what she needs to do at this point in her life. But at this point in my life I’ve already done my growing as an individual. I’ve already done that maturing. I wanna get myself on track on where I wanna be in life…with the person I wanna be with in life. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to have my emotions played with like a toy.
I know that realizing this is a big step but I also know that I have no self control with her. I know that actions speak louder than words. Yet I also know that words are powerful and repetition helps you learn things quicker so maybe if I keep telling myself all of this it will stick in my brain. Then it will become mind over matter and I can get over her instead of under her time and time again. Now that is repetition.

Two Years Gone

Bree died two years ago now. That’s crazy. It doesn’t feel that long so saying two years seems so strange. I was at the mall with Brandon since it was his birthday and she pasted away. The impact her life made on this town is amazing. She would have been almost half way through college now.

Her death taught me that I am not invincible. Our youth does not mean we can escape death’s grip for a while. Life can change in an instant. You can truly be here one second and gone the next.

Cassy took me to the beach and it was nice because the last place I talked to Bree was the cave at Pirates Cove. We got Kravabowl ate it in the bed of her truck and played with shells on the beach. Then later we went to Applebee’s cause that’s where she worked.

Just wanted to make a short post about Bree. Two years gone but she’s not forgotten.

Productive Day

Okay so I technically started planning out today late last night/early this morning. I wanted to make sure that I was getting stuff done. So I woke up made some coffee and cleared off the bistro table in the kitchen cause I needed to be out of my room. A change of scenery you could say. Plus it was supposed to rain a bunch and I wanted a front row seat since it’s right next to a big window.
Once I was situated I started to write my friend, Julia. Not a text message, not a DM. A legit handwritten, in the mail, lick sealed, with a big old stamp in the corner, letter. I wish more people would write them. I love handwritten letters and the people I date find that out apparently because they have all given me hand written letters and I still have most of them actually. Anyways, I decided to write her because our friendship started out with a letter and recently I have been very distant and I don’t want to be anymore. So I thought why not start off a new chapter of our friendship with a letter as well.
Since I was watching the dogs I made a trip of it and took them on a walk because they had a lot of energy they needed to get rid of. So I got the dogs ready and stopped by the mailbox and sent it away to her house. (I did address the letter I just edited it out so nobody knew where she lived)
The dogs are horrible when they see other people or dogs. They bark so crazy. It’s embarrassing. They really need to go to training. They did have a good time though and I even got a good picture of Julian. Honey on the other hand is a lot harder to get a good picture of. When we got home the dogs were a little tired so they left me alone in peace to work on other things.
I then worked on my journal for church I was a week behind. Cassy then came over, it was nice seeing her because we had both been productive. She had cleaned out her truck and done a few other things but honestly I don’t remember what. We hung out at my house and she watched me work on my journal until my family got home then she got me Chipotle. So we then went to see where her class was cause her new semester starts today.

Smoke Break: Here are some of my thoughts…

For you to truly understand I need to start at the beguining. I went to sleep at 4 in the morning because I miss summer and the heat so badly, I felt the need to stay up all night pinning pictures of girl in bikinis doing summer shit.  So I woke up tired as hell but I had to get ready for work so I toughed it out, had a cup of coffee and got to it.
Then I happened to have an annoying day at work…and I’m still annoyed at it and don’t feel like ranting about it because that requires too much effort.
Anyways, I then went home and realized that my room was a mess and I couldn’t look at it like that any longer so I cleaned it until I got a text from Cassy saying she was outside and wanted to go on another drive. I hopped in and as soon as I got the chance to vent about work to Cass I took it. She was quiet for a while and I just enjoyed being quiet with her listening to music. It reminded me of how things used to be. I miss how we’d always be going on adventures. I want to start using my polariod more. I wish I had used it this past summer because this last summer with Cassy was the best time of my life. I’ll never forget that summer. Wow! you see what I mean? I really miss summer. I talk about it all the time.
Anyways, she got me Applebee’s and we went by my house to smoke. I am not much of a smoker but Cassy is so I get high with her cause she enjoys being high together. I definitely don’t smoke as much as her just because I don’t like being high that much. Some moments I enjoy it but others I don’t so I really don’t know. It was really nice though because we were in Cassy’s truck and it started to slowly rain cause a storms is coming tonight and I’m excited.
Enough about that, when I’m high my thoughts  are really cool, I feel like I become more creative when I’m high and I don’t enjoy having to socialize with others when I’m high. That’s why I enjoy being high and just being by myself. Free to just be in my head and do whatever I please! I’m a really weird person and I don’t like people knowing how weird cause it would be embarrassing. I’m probably being dramatic but that’s just how I feel.
On a separate note I got a few ideas for some paintings. I’m excited so see if I go through with any. Well that’s all I can say right now cause Cass is freezing and wants me to cuddle her so thats all but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you!

Stupid Love

Right now my life is weird.
Cassy and I aren’t together. Yet it feels like were still together. We have come to an agreement that we’re not together, have no title yet were gunna just do and act however we please. All the while Cassy is going to work on herself. I’m so proud of her for putting getting her shit together as a priority cause I’m doing the same. Hopefully she matures and grows a lot in many different ways. If were ever going to be together again I need her to be where I’m at and right now she’s far from it. I say all that but were practically together right now!
Ugh I hate love. I don’t mean that but ugh! Love makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. I’m stupid in love. But Cass isn’t. She’s not in love with me. She broke up with me. BUT she gave me a promise ring. YET told me that she doesn’t expect me to wait for her. Who breaks up with someone then gives them a promise ring. I’m torn. She’s sending me mixed signals in every direction.
Last night Shae and I had a good talk about our relationships. I was telling her that she’s my best friend and that I will always believe that she deserves the best and nothing less. Then I told her that even though I love him as a person, I believe that she can do better than Spike. Shae then went and told me the same and that was a big eye opener.
Basically I don’t know what to do. I love her. I just wish loving her didn’t make me so stupid.

 

 

 

 

Bad News and New Things

I have some bad news and some good news…

I’ll start with the bad news. Cassy broke up with me. Don’t worry, we’re still on good terms. She broke up with me because we seem to be on different pages in life. My priorities are much different than hers. I just care to work on myself, getting myself going in the right direction for my career and (at the time) my relationship. While Cassy’s priorities are much different. She’s at the point in her life where she just wants to have fun with her friends and make memories. I on the other hand, have had my time to do so and now I just want to be more of an adult. I’m not angry with her at all, I love her. Obviously I’d prefer being with her but I love her enough to let her go and have the liberty to go enjoy her youth the way she wants to. It’s strange being broken up with because you’re a little too mature for someone but it’s alright. The only thing I truly am worried about is our friendship. Cassy was my best friend first and I know that this break up is changing a lot of things. I just hope our friendship isn’t one of them. Yet I know that things aren’t going to be the way they were before so I’m anxious to see how it all works out.

Since I got broken up with I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. I don’t even think I’m doing it to keep my mind off her because when I think of her I’m not angry or emotional. Maybe it just hasn’t fully hit me yet but I think I just want to be productive. I know that if I stay in bed, eat my feelings and cry that it’s not going to truly help me. That just puts a pause on my life and I don’t have time to waste. I have so much to do and work on! I haven’t even told my friends because I know they’re going to feel sorry for me and I don’t need pity, I’m okay. Anyways, the day Cassy broke up with me I went and got my own bank account, set up my direct deposit for work, ordered something online and I finally decided to pay for Spotify. Today, I killed it at work! Then came home(took a quick nap) cleaned my room and dyed my hair because it was a brown with a red tint. I dyed it that color the day Cassy had a party at her house to surprise her because I thought she’d like it and now that we’re over I dyed it black, for me this time! Now It’s time to fall in love with myself. It’s time to work on me. It’s time to do what’s best for me and me alone! I’m going to continue to work on myself. Plus now the glow up I was planning on working on can now be my post break up glow up!

Regardless of everything, I miss her. I love her so much. I’m still so in love with her. The problem is that, yes she still loves me but she’s just not in love with me anymore. I pray she finds someone so much better than me. She’s wonderful and I hope she never feels this way. I wish nothing but the best for her. I’m so thankful for all our great memories and the fact that I was blessed enough to call her mine for a while. But mostly I’m thankful that she taught me what love truly was. I just sadly wasn’t her true love…

Word of The Day: Mauerbauertraurigkeit

I have a confession to make. Recently I haven’t been hanging out with anyone besides Cassy, not even my best friends. I know I’m neglecting them and that I should hangout with them. I know they have a lot going on too that I really should be there for but lately I just don’t want to be around anyone. I’m not depressed, this is different. I don’t understand why or even know how to get rid of this feeling. They’ll text me and I’ll get happy to hear from them but half of me kind of just wants to be left alone. They’ll ask to hang out and I get excited about catching up with them but half of me just wants to be by myself. And frankly, I don’t like feeling like this. Friends used to literally be one of my top priorities and now they aren’t even on the scale. I want to know whats going on in their lives, I want to know how they’re doing and what’s wrong when they’re sad but I just can’t find it in me to do so. I know I’m pushing everyone away and I half of me hates it and the other half wants to continue to do so. I’m fighting with myself on what to do but when I actually get myself to hangout with them I find myself wishing I was alone. I don’t know what to do but I think realizing this is a good place to start.

My Not So New New Years Resolution

I know I’m a tad late on this post but better late than never! Anyways, Happy New Year! I can’t believe it’s 2017! I’m excited to see what this year has to bring. Normally I don’t do New Years resolutions but lately I have just been thinking about my goals nonstop. Literally I’ll be laying next to Cassy in bed and she’s knocked out and I’ll just be thinking about me, my life, where I want to be, how I’m going to get there and more. With that being said my New Years resolution is the same as my goals for myself. Getting myself closer to being independent one step at a time and I want to work on my glow up!
Now I’m just going to take you through some things that I have decided. Right now I’m still training for my job and it’s going well but since it’s a seasonal job, I have it until April. I decided that afterwards I want to get a job at a jewelry store. Also I’m going to work on getting my license but I have to get my glasses first cause I’m literally like blind. That’s crazy, my mom just walked in and said she scheduled my eye appointment. Well I’m glad that’s getting done! Then I’m working on opening up a bank account because I need to save as much as I ca for a car. But if my mom gets a new car then Kayla’s old one will just be mine but still I want to work on getting my own car. That’s the first few steps for my goals.
For my glow up on the other hand my goal is simple, I just wanna be hot! So with that being said I want to get a gym membership and I actually want to gain some weight but keep my tummy small and toned. Basically I just wanna be in better shape. At the gym that I want to start going to they have a standing tanning bed and I might use that one or I might just get spray tans, idk but I really do miss being tan! I want to get better hair products and the hair extensions that I want. Plus right now my hair has a tint of red in it and I want to dye it a really dark brown, almost like a black. So once I get my extensions I’m going to dye my hair to match them and I’m going to go get my hair cut to blend well with them. Another thing I want to start doing is getting bikini waxes because apparently if you get them continuously you’re hair grows back finer after a while. Then obviously with any good glow up you have to rock a new wardrobe and slay on insta. So that’s my plan for 2017, I just want to work on my same goals. My focus hasn’t changed.

This Year’s Annual Without Fail Bad Birthday

I know I haven’t blogged in a while but I guess I should tell you about my birthday.

December 9th
My mom’s work had a holiday party at the Madonna Inn and she wanted to bring me as her plus one. Cassy came over while I was getting ready and we ended up getting into a bad argument. She left and I was very unsure about our status. I tried to put away my feelings about Cass and I so my mom and I could have a good time. It took me forever to get ready and I looked really nice. My mom’s friends all met up at our house and started pre gaming. Eventually the limo arrived and we all got in. Everyone continued drinking including me. I was drinking my feelings and eventually felt a little buzzed. Then out of no where the limo got pulled over. I didn’t even know that limos got pulled over but after we got stalled by the cop for  half an hour he let us go. Once we got there I got my cute little name tag, sat down and got some food in my system cause I hadn’t eaten all day. Eventually the DJ started playing and my mom kelts drinking and dancing. My mom, along with all her friends were so drunk. My mom got a little crazy. At around 9:30 Cassy texted me that she was just going to work on herself and basically broke up with me. I cried for a while but I tired to have a good time for my mom’s sake. I even danced with her when all the Spanish songs came on. The bright side is that my mom’s friends were buying me drinks. Once the party was over we were waiting outside for the limo and when it arrived we realized that there was puke in it and it wasn’t from any of us. I was the lucky one that cleaned it all. The finally once we got home I went to the bathroom and when I came out all her friends were screaming happy birthday to me because it was finally midnight.

My Birthday, December 10th
I asked Kayla to take me to my gay family’s house because once Cassy broke up with me I called Destinee and she said to come over after. Once I got there I walked up stairs and they all screamed Happy Birthday for me then realized I was crying. I told them and like any good friends would do they handed me drinks. They were so nice and made me feel better. I was supposed to spend the night there but I didn’t feel up to it anymore. So Manna was nice enough to take me home. I went to sleep, woke up and cried some more. Then I got a phone call from Cassy. I answered, only to hear her crying. She then asked to come over and I inquired why but she then explained that it had nothing to do with us. Her grandpa was in the hospital and her family didn’t think he was going to make it. She explained that she didn’t want to be alone and that I was the only person she wanted to be around so I put aside our problems and told her to come over. Once she got to my house I held her and we both cried. I hate seeing her sad, it kills me. We eventually started talking and she was saying that she wanted me back and I wasn’t sure what to do. Then Kayla and Chase came over with Zoe’s and Olive Garden so Cass and I went to go eat with everyone. My family and I ate together and then got to opening gifts. Then Cassy and I decided to go pick up her mom in Ventura so she could see her dad. The trip took longer than expected and when I got back I had to hurry to get ready because my gay family was throwing me a party. Once  I was ready Julia, Cassy and I made it over to their house and boy were they surprised to see me with Cassy! Then Shae and Spike came, I am so glad I got to see them! Being over there was so much fun, I was having a great time! Then once it died down we went over to Aly’s cause they were having something at her house. Being with all my friends and loved ones on my birthday was great. My birthday started out super shitty but my birthnight was the best one yet. So yeah, I’m 19 now.