I used to think that when you got your heart broken that it was one initial big heartbreak.
That’s not the case.
My heart has been breaking for a while now. Slowly and all together at times. It’s just been agonizing. Being told over and over again that they don’t need or want you anymore. It kills. I feel like every time she tells me that my heart cracked a little. I could literally feel it. The pain, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach. Then she’d take me in her arms and love me again and it felt like all those little cracks were being mended. Like all my like broken cracks were coming together the closer she’d hold me. I guess that was just temporary. I’m afraid that soon my little heart won’t be able to hold it’s self together anymore. Eventually I’m going to fall apart and I believe it’s coming sooner than later. She keeps doing little things to remind me of the love she used to give me at one point and it hurts. Like opening an old wound.
I love her but I’m not enough. I feel as though I was even breaking my own heart so it’d fit better with hers. Trying to forget things I knew I shouldn’t so we could move on and be happy but I’m not enough. She’s looking for something different. I don’t think she even knows what it is. I’m tired of being broken over and over again. Yet I can’t let her go when I know I need to.
Not in any malicious way. It wasn’t done on purpose to hurt me but it’s been happening. I need to remember that she broke up with me. She broke up with me to work on herself and I should let her do so. We can’t continue to act as though we’re still together. That’s not fair to me. I understand why we have been like this though. We do love each other very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been in each other’s lives nonstop for almost a year now. It’s hard to just cut someone off who’s been such a big part of your life for so long.
I feel like she is stringing me along because she’s afraid of losing me. I know that she loves me too much to much to fully let me go. But I love Cassy enough to let her go. Our love for each other is different right now. I feel like she is selfishly loving me and I am selflessly loving her. I need to love myself and have enough respect for myself to not let this continue any longer. I need to not let myself continue to give someone my all when they are not wiling to give the same in return. I need to stop forgiving her for things I know I shouldn’t and I need to stop using my love for her to justifying my undeserving forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I know I’ve done wrong by her as well. I know I’m hard to deal with but I know I don’t deserve this.
I understand that Cassy needs to work on herself. I understand that she feels that she needs to be single in order to do so. I understand that this is what she needs to do at this point in her life. But at this point in my life I’ve already done my growing as an individual. I’ve already done that maturing. I wanna get myself on track on where I wanna be in life…with the person I wanna be with in life. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to have my emotions played with like a toy.
I know that realizing this is a big step but I also know that I have no self control with her. I know that actions speak louder than words. Yet I also know that words are powerful and repetition helps you learn things quicker so maybe if I keep telling myself all of this it will stick in my brain. Then it will become mind over matter and I can get over her instead of under her time and time again. Now that is repetition.
Bree died two years ago now. That’s crazy. It doesn’t feel that long so saying two years seems so strange. I was at the mall with Brandon since it was his birthday and she pasted away. The impact her life made on this town is amazing. She would have been almost half way through college now.
Her death taught me that I am not invincible. Our youth does not mean we can escape death’s grip for a while. Life can change in an instant. You can truly be here one second and gone the next.
Cassy took me to the beach and it was nice because the last place I talked to Bree was the cave at Pirates Cove. We got Kravabowl ate it in the bed of her truck and played with shells on the beach. Then later we went to Applebee’s cause that’s where she worked.
Just wanted to make a short post about Bree. Two years gone but she’s not forgotten.
Okay so I technically started planning out today late last night/early this morning. I wanted to make sure that I was getting stuff done. So I woke up made some coffee and cleared off the bistro table in the kitchen cause I needed to be out of my room. A change of scenery you could say. Plus it was supposed to rain a bunch and I wanted a front row seat since it’s right next to a big window.
Once I was situated I started to write my friend, Julia. Not a text message, not a DM. A legit handwritten, in the mail, lick sealed, with a big old stamp in the corner, letter. I wish more people would write them. I love handwritten letters and the people I date find that out apparently because they have all given me hand written letters and I still have most of them actually. Anyways, I decided to write her because our friendship started out with a letter and recently I have been very distant and I don’t want to be anymore. So I thought why not start off a new chapter of our friendship with a letter as well.
Since I was watching the dogs I made a trip of it and took them on a walk because they had a lot of energy they needed to get rid of. So I got the dogs ready and stopped by the mailbox and sent it away to her house. (I did address the letter I just edited it out so nobody knew where she lived)
The dogs are horrible when they see other people or dogs. They bark so crazy. It’s embarrassing. They really need to go to training. They did have a good time though and I even got a good picture of Julian. Honey on the other hand is a lot harder to get a good picture of. When we got home the dogs were a little tired so they left me alone in peace to work on other things.
I then worked on my journal for church I was a week behind. Cassy then came over, it was nice seeing her because we had both been productive. She had cleaned out her truck and done a few other things but honestly I don’t remember what. We hung out at my house and she watched me work on my journal until my family got home then she got me Chipotle. So we then went to see where her class was cause her new semester starts today.
For you to truly understand I need to start at the beguining. I went to sleep at 4 in the morning because I miss summer and the heat so badly, I felt the need to stay up all night pinning pictures of girl in bikinis doing summer shit. So I woke up tired as hell but I had to get ready for work so I toughed it out, had a cup of coffee and got to it.
Then I happened to have an annoying day at work…and I’m still annoyed at it and don’t feel like ranting about it because that requires too much effort.
Anyways, I then went home and realized that my room was a mess and I couldn’t look at it like that any longer so I cleaned it until I got a text from Cassy saying she was outside and wanted to go on another drive. I hopped in and as soon as I got the chance to vent about work to Cass I took it. She was quiet for a while and I just enjoyed being quiet with her listening to music. It reminded me of how things used to be. I miss how we’d always be going on adventures. I want to start using my polariod more. I wish I had used it this past summer because this last summer with Cassy was the best time of my life. I’ll never forget that summer. Wow! you see what I mean? I really miss summer. I talk about it all the time.
Anyways, she got me Applebee’s and we went by my house to smoke. I am not much of a smoker but Cassy is so I get high with her cause she enjoys being high together. I definitely don’t smoke as much as her just because I don’t like being high that much. Some moments I enjoy it but others I don’t so I really don’t know. It was really nice though because we were in Cassy’s truck and it started to slowly rain cause a storms is coming tonight and I’m excited.
Enough about that, when I’m high my thoughts are really cool, I feel like I become more creative when I’m high and I don’t enjoy having to socialize with others when I’m high. That’s why I enjoy being high and just being by myself. Free to just be in my head and do whatever I please! I’m a really weird person and I don’t like people knowing how weird cause it would be embarrassing. I’m probably being dramatic but that’s just how I feel.
On a separate note I got a few ideas for some paintings. I’m excited so see if I go through with any. Well that’s all I can say right now cause Cass is freezing and wants me to cuddle her so thats all but I just wanted to share some of my thoughts with you!
Right now my life is weird.
Cassy and I aren’t together. Yet it feels like were still together. We have come to an agreement that we’re not together, have no title yet were gunna just do and act however we please. All the while Cassy is going to work on herself. I’m so proud of her for putting getting her shit together as a priority cause I’m doing the same. Hopefully she matures and grows a lot in many different ways. If were ever going to be together again I need her to be where I’m at and right now she’s far from it. I say all that but were practically together right now!
Ugh I hate love. I don’t mean that but ugh! Love makes people do things they normally wouldn’t. I’m stupid in love. But Cass isn’t. She’s not in love with me. She broke up with me. BUT she gave me a promise ring. YET told me that she doesn’t expect me to wait for her. Who breaks up with someone then gives them a promise ring. I’m torn. She’s sending me mixed signals in every direction.
Last night Shae and I had a good talk about our relationships. I was telling her that she’s my best friend and that I will always believe that she deserves the best and nothing less. Then I told her that even though I love him as a person, I believe that she can do better than Spike. Shae then went and told me the same and that was a big eye opener.
Basically I don’t know what to do. I love her. I just wish loving her didn’t make me so stupid.