Part of Her

I hate how I can’t make my mind up on what to do. Today I saw Cassy and we spent the day together and wow it was great but it was horrible. All I want to do is be with her. I’m honestly debating if having a part of her is better than not having her at all. She doesn’t even want to be a thing anymore. So I don’t know what to do but I feel like I need her. Even if it’s just a part of her. I love her.

Please excuse my drunkness

as you can tell by the title. I am drunk. I never get drunk. I feel like i need to throw up. (ps. I did throw up soon after typing that) That’s crazy. But damn she’s better than any drug or drink. Nothing will make me feel higher than her. Yet here I am settling for something to try and make me feel how she did. (damn this is hard i have to keep going back to fix my mistakes) I just wish I was enough for her. I wish she wanted to be with me. I rooted myself so deeply in her, I lost myself. I’m drowning and I wish she’d just walk in my room and take this bottle, hold my face and tell me that I don’t need to fill myself with this to attempt to make myself feel whole. That she’d come back to me. Fix my broken heart, repair my holes, cracks and leaks. Save me from sinking. Or save me from the voices in my head at least. They both argue back and forth on what I should do. One says to let her go, mourn not only her but who I was with her and move on. While the other is saying to be there, wait for her and love her regardless. I don’t know what to do. I just need to scream. this sucks. but fuck i love her! no one has ever made me feel like this. I’ve never needed or wanted  anyone like this. plus i like who I am better when i’m with her. thats my girl! that’s my baby! She’s my everything! I know i fell harder but fuck i don’t care! the other voice is saying that this isn’t healthy. that I shouldn’t need anyone this much while the other is disagreeing, saying that this is what happens when you’re in love. I don’t know which to believe. They both agree on one thing though. If she came back and said that she wanted to be with me again and love me again they’d leap at the opportunity. I hate that i love her so much but I don’t wanna stop. I wanna lay my head on her chest. I wanna fall asleep to the sound of her heart beating. I want her to be mine. wow i love her so much. I’d die for her and i’m afraid of dying! thats crazy! Damn i am so stupid listen to me. rambling on about a girl who doesn’t wanna be in a relationship with me anymore. yet I’d still do anything, literally anything to be hers again. I don’t know what to do. I need help. yet i feel like the only person who can fix me is the one who broke me. Lol, and at the end of the day i’d forgive her for breaking my heart if she came back. who fucking does that! I must be crazy. I don’t know what to do. I fell in love and she left. no one was there to catch me. I fell and i broke so here I am. hoping she’d turn around and put me back together, hold me tighter and take better care of me. But i’ll probably have to just pick up my own pieces and move on. but i don’t know how well i could move on because my trust issues are worse than ever now. I’m damaged and i don’t think i’ll ever be the same. when your heart breaks does it leave scars? do they ever go away? do you ever fully heal? but most importantly, do i even want to? Or would i rather hold on to the pain of losing her because it reminds me of how euphoric it felt to be hers. I don’t know. until then i’ll just hold on to the windbreaker she left here because it still smells like her, listen to her playlists and pray to god that He will let her be mine again and if not, i’ll thank him for letting me be lucky enough to have my heart be broken by her.

Heartbreaking

I used to think that when you got your heart broken that it was one initial big heartbreak.

That’s not the case.

My heart has been breaking for a while now. Slowly and all together at times. It’s just been agonizing. Being told over and over again that they don’t need or want you anymore. It kills. I feel like every time she tells me that my heart cracked a little. I could literally feel it. The pain, the feeling of my heart dropping to my stomach. Then she’d take me in her arms and love me again and it felt like all those little cracks were being mended. Like all my like broken cracks were coming together the closer she’d hold me. I guess that was just temporary. I’m afraid that soon my little heart won’t be able to hold it’s self together anymore. Eventually I’m going to fall apart and I believe it’s coming sooner than later. She keeps doing little things to remind me of the love she used to give me at one point and it hurts. Like opening an old wound.

I love her but I’m not enough. I feel as though I was even breaking my own heart so it’d fit better with hers. Trying to forget things I knew I shouldn’t so we could move on and be happy but I’m not enough. She’s looking for something different. I don’t think she even knows what it is. I’m tired of being broken over and over again. Yet I can’t let her go when I know I need to.

The Repetition of My Realization

Cassy has been using me.

Not in any malicious way. It wasn’t done on purpose to hurt me but it’s been happening. I need to remember that she broke up with me. She broke up with me to work on herself and I should let her do so. We can’t continue to act as though we’re still together. That’s not fair to me. I understand why we have been like this though. We do love each other very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been in each other’s lives nonstop for almost a year now. It’s hard to just cut someone off who’s been such a big part of your life for so long.
I feel like she is stringing me along because she’s afraid of losing me. I know that she loves me too much to much to fully let me go. But I love Cassy enough to let her go. Our love for each other is different right now. I feel like she is selfishly loving me and I am selflessly loving her. I need to love myself and have enough respect for myself to not let this continue any longer. I need to not let myself continue to give someone my all when they are not wiling to give the same in return. I need to stop forgiving her for things I know I shouldn’t and I need to stop using my love for her to justifying my undeserving forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint. I know I’ve done wrong by her as well. I know I’m hard to deal with but I know I don’t deserve this.
I understand that Cassy needs to work on herself. I understand that she feels that she needs to be single in order to do so. I understand that this is what she needs to do at this point in her life. But at this point in my life I’ve already done my growing as an individual. I’ve already done that maturing. I wanna get myself on track on where I wanna be in life…with the person I wanna be with in life. I don’t have time for games. I don’t have time to have my emotions played with like a toy.
I know that realizing this is a big step but I also know that I have no self control with her. I know that actions speak louder than words. Yet I also know that words are powerful and repetition helps you learn things quicker so maybe if I keep telling myself all of this it will stick in my brain. Then it will become mind over matter and I can get over her instead of under her time and time again. Now that is repetition.img_0734

Two Years Gone

Bree died two years ago now. That’s crazy. It doesn’t feel that long so saying two years seems so strange. I was at the mall with Brandon since it was his birthday and she pasted away. The impact her life made on this town is amazing. She would have been almost half way through college now.

Her death taught me that I am not invincible. Our youth does not mean we can escape death’s grip for a while. Life can change in an instant. You can truly be here one second and gone the next.

Cassy took me to the beach and it was nice because the last place I talked to Bree was the cave at Pirates Cove. We got Kravabowl ate it in the bed of her truck and played with shells on the beach. Then later we went to Applebee’s cause that’s where she worked.

Just wanted to make a short post about Bree. Two years gone but she’s not forgotten.img_0740

Productive Day

Okay so I technically started planning out today late last night/early this morning. I wanted to make sure that I was getting stuff done. So I woke up made some coffee and cleared off the bistro table in the kitchen cause I needed to be out of my room. A change of scenery you could say. Plus it was supposed to rain a bunch and I wanted a front row seat since it’s right next to a big window.
Once I was situated I started to write my friend, Julia. Not a text message, not a DM. A legit handwritten, in the mail, lick sealed, with a big old stamp in the corner, letter. I wish more people would write them. I love handwritten letters and the people I date find that out apparently because they have all given me hand written letters and I still have most of them actually. Anyways, I decided to write her because our friendship started out with a letter and recently I have been very distant and I don’t want to be anymore. So I thought why not start off a new chapter of our friendship with a letter as well.
Since I was watching the dogs I made a trip of it and took them on a walk because they had a lot of energy they needed to get rid of. So I got the dogs ready and stopped by the mailbox and sent it away to her house. (I did address the letter I just edited it out so nobody knew where she lived)
The dogs are horrible when they see other people or dogs. They bark so crazy. It’s embarrassing. They really need to go to training. They did have a good time though and I even got a good picture of Julian. Honey on the other hand is a lot harder to get a good picture of. When we got home the dogs were a little tired so they left me alone in peace to work on other things.
I then worked on my journal for church I was a week behind. Cassy then came over, it was nice seeing her because we had both been productive. She had cleaned out her truck and done a few other things but honestly I don’t remember what. We hung out at my house and she watched me work on my journal until my family got home then she got me Chipotle. So we then went to see where her class was cause her new semester starts today.